A 3-day weekend

“Dax! Show me that urine charge!” says Audrey-Rose. This is what I hear Audrey say to her dog, because she has been talking to it about not weeing in the house. She’s giving it a pep talk about having the self-respect to not wee on the floor when someone pets it. And I am stoned so I hear her say “urine charge”, not “you’re in charge”. “Dax! Show me that you’re in charge!” The dog’s tail wags like a metronome try to keep up with a hamster in a hamsterwheel.


So… they say that learning by experience is really the only way to fully know something. I think that lots of deep fucken old civilisations have got annoying aphorisms about it. But then there’s the really basic stuff like not texting while you are walking down a staircase drunk. You don’t need to experience that one to know it’s a stupid idea. If you text while walking down a staircase drunk you’re gonna fall down the staircase. You don’t need Yoda or Morpheus to tell you you need to experience that to really know the truth of it. And yet … and yet here I stand before you as one who knows this truth perhaps more deeply than strictly necessary: If you text while you walk down the staircase drunk like a monkey on a time-travel-tricycle from 1984, you will keel headlong, feet trailing behind you, your body slumping catastrophically onto the tiles in the corridor. In short, you will fall, like the frikken Union of Soviet Socialist Republics.

We invented tequila push-ups. The guy in the Mr Plod R15 policeman’s helmet from Toys-R-Us had a whistle which when whetted meant that a round of cheerful pushups was just the thing. And we could no longer order drinks from the pretty waitress who wrote stuff about … that we just … sheesh … things in koki on Mike’s shirt. She was so pretty, and the things she wrote… so we cracked open the bottle of tequila in the boot and invented Tequila Push-ups! Like so: Place the tequila shots – you need some tequila shots obviously - neatly on the white line in the middle of the road. Do a push-up. At the bottom, grab the shot glass. At the top, tilt your head back, and down the tequila. Ta da! Cars? What cars?

And then we went to a very nice place and taught some other people about tequila push-ups, and the barmaid gave us chocolate vodka that was very very confusing because it was in a pink bottle. And then on the way out I was texting and walking down the stairs while I was drunk and, well, you don’t need me to tell you that that’s a stupid idea...

We drew - ok I drew - on the dog. Is that adoration or admonition in his eyes?